ANOTHER RETRO HIT (And a special treat for a certain V. Frankovich)

The best movies Hitchcock never made

Original release 27-8-2011

Wait Until Dark

In 1959, Hitch was set to make a film with Audrey Hepburn. Those plans fell through and the director moved on to a little film about a backwater motel and a boy called Norman. While we shall never really know what such a collaboration would have looked like, 1967's WAIT UNTIL DARK gives a good indication of what could have been.

A battle of wills between a sadistic drug pusher and a blind housewife, this is a nasty little thriller with a cruel, downbeat vibe and a highly unscrupulous antagonist.

Bafflingly obscure today, it features one of Hepburn's best performances and an absolutely hypnotizing Alan Arkin as the terrifying Harry Roat Jr. Directed by Bond veteran Terence Young, the film looks fantastically bleak - most obvious in the brilliant decision to set the entire film within the claustrophobic confines of a basement apartment. The final 15 minutes are a tour-de-force which elevates the whole enterprise to the next level.

Le Boucher

When Hitchcock saw this film, he said that it was one of two films he wished he had made. 

Chronicling the budding relationship between a small town school teacher and the local butcher who may just be responsible for the real butchering of several young girls from the community, Claude Chabrol's film is more concerned with exploring the complex and ambiguous bond between its central couple than thriller cliches. 

The Terminator

A blonde heroine in jeoporady. A psychologically damaged hero who tries to save her. A diabolically evil antagonist who cannot be stopped. A plot as tight as a drum, with some appropriately nasty twists to keep pulses racing. Okay, so it doesn't completely fit the bill. But one can imagine Hitch grinning with delight at the glorious implacability of its villain, and the mental and physical obstacles its heroine has to overcome. 

Charade

Featuring Cary Grant and Hepburn (again), CHARADE can't help but bear more than a passing resemblance to Hitch's more escapist thrillers (generally featuring Grant) like TO CATCH A THIEF and NORTH BY NORTHWEST.

Featuring a spiffy title sequence and cracking jazz score by Harry Mancini, the film  is a zippy thriller with some memorable setpieces and some crackling repartee between the two leads. While the plot unfolds at a good clip, the film's best moments are in the blossoming romance between Hepburn's confused widow and Grant's mysterious investigator. Much of the fun comes from the obvious disparity in age between the two stars, and a clever reversal of roles, with a nervous Grant attempting to deflect the attentions of the agressive Hepburn.

What's Going On: A Timeless Classic

Original Recording: 23-6-2011

Before this album, Marvin Gaye was regarded as a talented singer of soul-inflicted pop ditties. That image remains a key component of his popularity. Songs like Wonderful One, Ain't That Peculiar and I Heard it Through the Grapevine remain popular standards to this day, epitomizing the timeless appeal of Motown's pop music. 

Let's not mince words, the Sixties were very good years for Marvin Gaye. But 1971's WHAT'S GOING ON is when he went from being a talented singer of contemporary tunes to a great artist with enduring appeal. The first Soul concept album, it represented a complete break from anything Gaye had done previously, and would come to define him for the rest of his career.

The album's genesis came at one of the darkest periods in Gaye's life. His friend and duet partner Tammi Terrell (Ain't No Mountain High Enough) had been diagnosed with a fatal tumor in 1969, collapsing into his arms in the middle of a concert. She never recovered and died the following year, aged only 26. Intensely depressed over his friend's death, Gaye retired from live performing and contemplated leaving the music industry entirely. Terrell's death was not the only millstone around his neck.

He had watched the other rock artists of the Sixties, such as the Beatles, change their images and their musical styles, exploring and expanding the sound and content of rock. Locked into a draconian contract by Barry Gordy's Motown Records, he railed at having to sing the same pop-Soul songs he'd been doing since the early Sixties. For Gaye, his friend's death only highlighted how little he had been able to express of his own creativity as a musician.

And then there was the Sixties themselves. Gaye had lived through the various social and political upheavals which have come to define that decade, and wanted to produce something more meaningful. His brother Frankie had served in Vietnam, and the letters of his experiences haunted Marvin, and compounded his disillusionment with the shallow content of the albums he was recording.

What he needed was a catalyst to give him the impetus he needed. He found it in a song he had originally only intended to produce: What's Going On.

From the rousing title track to the haunting close of Inner City Blues, What's Going On is an incredible achievement. Filled with Gaye's love of jazz and old-school blues, this album sees the origin of many of Gaye's signature techniques, from the multi-tracked choruses, to the almost cinematic use of strings to accentuate the power of Gaye's voice. 

Picking out the best track is difficult, since, as a concept album, each song leads into the next, maintaining and extending the bitter-sweet atmosphere of the title song to the outright disillusionment of the final track. Aside from those tracks already mentioned, other highlights include Mercy Mercy Me and Wholy Holy, though my personal pick would be the spacey, transcendent Flying High in the Friendly Sky.

WHAT'S GOING ON was an immediate commercial and critical success, and remains one of the most highly regarded albums of all time (Rolling Stone placed it at #6 in their 2003 poll of the best 500 albums of all time). A brilliant testament to the talents of Marvin Gaye and his collaborators, the album completely altered the industry's perception of him, and turned the former pop singer into a cultural icon. The album cemented his status as an enduring inspiration to other artists, and would establish Marvin Gaye as the defining influence on the direction Soul and R'n'B would take in the Seventies and Eighties. Simply brilliant.

RETROGRADE REVIEWS Presents...

Something Wicked... [22-5-2011]

Here's a few kernels to get you through the cold winter months.

Jerry Dandrige, FRIGHT NIGHT

A romantic dimension is briefly hinted at, but there is no pouting with FRIGHT NIGHT's fanged antagonist.  Jerry Dandrige is a cold hearted sociopath with little compunction about destroying anyone who gets in his way.

Deliciously underplayed by Chris Sarandon, there is nothing campy or self-pitying about Jerry. He is the epitome of the old-school vampire, equally capable of ripping someone's head off as he is to cajole and seduce a victim into giving him what he really wants. 

Baron Meinster, THE BRIDES OF DRACULA

When Christopher Lee turned down the chance to return to his signature role in the inevitable sequel, the character was dropped and refashioned into a rather different, but no less effective, creation.

Imprisoned in the childlike, Grimms Brothers-infused surroundings of his mother's castle, the Baron charms a naive young woman into releasing him onto an unsuspecting populace of Queens English-speaking middle Europeans. After converting his mother to the cause, he turns up at a conveniently close finishing school and proceeds to finish off the students. He's well on his way toward creating his own personal harem when Dr Van Helsing (Peter Cushing) turns up, dashing the viewer's hopes for a BIG LOVE-meets-DARK SHADOWS style soap opera.

It all ends with the good Baron destroyed, when Van Helsing jumps into the sail of a windmill, tilting it to form the shadow of a cross. Great stuff.

Severen, NEAR DARK

AKA the best role of Bill Paxton's career.

A raving nutter long before he was turned to the ways of the undead, Severen is one blood sucker you would not want to meet in a darkened alley.

Coming on like a combination of Jim Morrison and a Southern good ol' boy, Severen should have been the launching pad for Paxton to really enter the big time. It's the kind of showcase role Ledger got in the Joker, but the film crashed and burned on release, its reputation only resurrected on video and DVD.  

Throwing a bloodied middle finger to the star-crossed lovers at the centre of the film, Severen is the unofficial spokesperson for the traditional nosferatu manifesto of ruptured arteries and flowing claret. One can only  imagine the merry hell Severen would wreak on Eddie and Bella if he sashayed into the TWILIGHT universe.

Countess Bathory, VAMPIRE HUNTER D: BLOODLUST

Coming out of nowhere like a (literal) bat out of hell, the infamous Countess turns up just in time to save this rather pedestrian movie from being a total time suck. 

Initially appearing as some kind of benevolent vampire ghost, Bathory seems rather harmless. Trapped within a massive blood red fortress (cue the expected-but-welcome theme of gothically tinged murmuring choir), she acts as a kind of undead Mother Theresa by offering refuge to her fellow neck-biters.  

However old habits die hard it seems, as Bathory shows her true colors by using her guests as blood sacrifices for her resurrection.

This climaxes in the memorable image of the film's titular hunter confronting a re-invigorated Countess transformed into a literal river of blood.

A completely out of left field spin on an old archetype, this film represents the Countess's most original incarnation. 

Abigail Williams, THE SORCERER'S APPRENTICE

Another re-write of a real life nutter, Abigail Williams may be most well known to viewers as the anti-heroine of Arthur Miller's THE CRUCIBLE.

Like the Countess of VAMPIRE HUNTER D, Williams makes a welcome appearance here, turning a slapdash mass of cheese into something a little bit more exciting.

One of a surprisingly strong and varied line-up of rogues (props also to the tatoo-ed Chinese wizard and his dragon), Williams occupies the smallest amount of screen time, but packs the most impact.

An eerily sedate presence, Salem's favorite tattle-teller provides the film with its only real moments of tension, while proving once and for all that a child in a smock can be scarier than Nicholas Cage's hairpiece.

The Witch Queen, THE WITCHES

There is little to hint at the evil old crone hiding behind the exquisitely turned out features of Angelica Huston in this unheralded child's classic.

An old school hag in new duds, this is one biddy who doesn't mess around. Within minutes of turning up onscreen she's turned one of her underlings into a pile of ash, a pair of nosy kids into mice and given new meaning to the words 'face lift.'

A glorious confection of the comically grotesque and the genuinely scary, Huston's Witch Queen ranks as one of the best interpretations of Roald Dahl's wonderfully nasty creations onscreen. 

"The Man", END OF DAYS

This movie is BOBBINS. Let's get that out of the way. I didn't like it. But that doesn't take away from the fact that Gabriel Byrne's performance as 'The Man' AKA that guy with the horns and fork-ed tail is a great re-interpretation of a very over-played villain.

You can't really go wrong with the Devil as your bad guy, but Byrne is more than up to the task of injecting the well-trodden character with his own spin.

Completely omnipotent, his Devil is a quietly smoldering presence, letting his actions speak for themselves while bedlam erupts around him. Disguising a truly explosive temper beneath an urbane veneer, his jocular and mocking creation makes for a more diabolically pleasing antagonist than the more OTT interpretations by the likes of Jack Nicholson and Al Pacino.

RETROGRADE REVIEWS Presents...

BRAINS, TRAINS & EXTRA-TERRESTRIALS! [30-4-2011]

HORROR EXPRESS (1972)

This movie is the reason popcorn was invented. 

It starts out like a cut price Indiana Jones, with Christopher Lee trooping through the mountains. Once the action shifts to the train it turns into a monster movie, with the resurrected ice man sneaking around and draining the brains of a bunch of minor characters. Once the ice man is dead, the movie becomes a Sherlock Holmes-style murder mystery as Lee and co-star Peter Cushing realize the alien killer is hiding among the passengers.

Smart enough to keep the funky action coming, the filmmakers outdo themselves at the finale by adding yet another ingredient to the mix, a group of antagonists even more bizarre and dangerous than the body-snatching alien - Siberian Cossacks!

To top it all off, their leader is played by everyone's favorite slaphead Telly Savalas. Bald, dressed in a blood red uniform, and gargling vodka like mouthwash, Savalas' Colonel Kazan is great fun. More interested in drinkin' and whorin' than investigating, Kazan manages to be both ridiculous and entertaining. Just like the movie.

However it's not long before the movie shifts genres again, turning into a full-on zombie onslaught for the slam-bang finale.

I've tried to refrain from revealing key plot points, but I'm honestly not sure what the plot to this movie is. It veers from one crazy scene to the next, with the only motive being to keep it entertaining. At a slick 84 minutes long, the film is fast and furious, packed with all the action and eye candy you'd expect from a 70s B-movie, but without all the slow exposition and character bits.

Not to say the movie doesn't have some depth. It's just refreshing to see filmmakers who know how to establish characters quickly and economically without the eye-rollingly stilted attempts at backstory found in more recent genre pics.

If you've ever wanted to see Chris Lee in a sword fight with zombified Cossacks, this is the film for you!

Another RETROGRADE REVIEW Joint...

The top ten leading men of romantic comedy [21-3-2011]

Just kidding.

Tonight's post has required me to delve into the sullied, sordid and rather misogynistic corner of cinema known as slasher movies. 

I'll admit to ambivalent feelings about this genre. Most of these films are terrible. Apart from HALLOWEEN, I've seen very few of these movies which manage to be entertaining, let alone scary.

Here I present for your pleasure, a collection of the more reputable members of this most debauched of horror fraternities.

The Intruder, INTRUDER

INTRUDER is actually a really good movie. I don't usually like slasher movies unless they bring something to the table beyond new ways for skewering dumb teenagers, but this one is a bit different. For one, there are no killings for the first 30 minutes. For another, the location is a small town supermarket after hours, which I always thought was a good location for a suspense picture. Finally, this is a slasher movie in which you actually care about the characters.

Yeah, so they are a bunch of stereotypes, but just like THE BREAKFAST CLUB, these are well-fleshed out stereotypes, likably performed and with their own little quirks and idiosyncrasies. 

Which brings me to the titular figure of the film.

I won't spoil it for you. It's better if you don't know, but I can safely say hearing this character's explanation for massacring the night crew is so inane it has to be heard to be believed, and sums up the screwy appeal of this late period (1989) genre piece.

The Voice in the fog, MIDNIGHT LACE

Okay so MIDNIGHT LACE technically isn't a slasher movie. I don't care. It involves a mad man stalking a beautiful woman -  that's enough for me.

For the majority of the running time, this figure remains merely a cheerful voice in the London fog, gleefully teasing the heroine with his homicidal intentions.I haven't named who the villain is, but even if I told you it does not detract from the sheer creepiness this maniac delivers.

Proving that the less you see, the more you fear, the unseen antagonist of MIDNIGHT LACE is a truly unsettling presence and the unique attraction of this underrated gem from the pre-PSYCHO era of Hollywood thrillers.

The Prowler, THE PROWLER

As I mentioned previously, I don't like formula slashers. But I have a soft spot when it comes to Joseph Zito's 1981 cheapie. Maybe its the period setting. Maybe it's the eerie atmosphere of the small town. Mostly I think it's because of the simple, iconic image of the film's villain stalking through a darkened house after the film's terrified heroine.

A damaged WW2 veteran spurned by the girl he left behind, the Prowler decides he doesn't like the local kids enjoying the first graduation dance in thirty years and decides to voice his disapproval by organizing a massive letter-writing campaign to the school board. I wish that was the case, but this option never occurs to this deranged ex-GI. His solution is to wipe out the graduating class, perhaps reasoning that with no graduating class there will be no dance. Give that genius a promotion, Sergeant!

This movie would have been so much better if it had made more of the character's military background, but as is it's still a creepy little number featuring some very realistic effects work courtesy of maestro makeup man Tom Savini. Released in New Zealand under the more banal moniker ROSEMARY'S KILLER.

Melissa Graps, KILL, BABY, KILL

It's only a little girl with a bouncing ball yet it still freaks me out.

A totally out of left field choice for the embodiment of evil (later ripped off by the likes of Fellini and Scorsese), but totally effective nevertheless, this ghostly figure puts the chill in Mario Bava's dreamlike chiller. Accompanied by a creepy nursery rhyme theme of tinkling bells and childish giggles, she terrorizes the inhabitants of a small village, seemingly able to appear and disappear wherever and whenever she desires. 

The fact Melissa is actually played by a boy makes it all the more disturbing...

Harry Warden, MY BLOODY VALENTINE

This is one mad bastard, in all senses of the word. In both the original and the remake, he is a miner driven to a homicidal killing spree (who in turn provides the motive for others to take up his mantle).

Like the Prowler, the iconography of the Miner's costume is an inspired choice. With his amplified breathing and gas mask, Warden looks more machine than man, working his way through the cast like a well-oiled... uh, machine. 

Taking the original into account, he is also the only Canadian on this list. Talk about a pointless piece of trivia, eh?

Billy, BLACK CHRISTMAS

Bob Clark's yuletide creepshow pre-dates HALLOWEEN by a good few years, and proves to be one of the best unsung horror films of the early Seventies.

Billy, the film's unseen tormentor, is a breath of fresh air compared with the indistinguishable masked killers which usually pass as the villains of slasher films. In a master stroke, Billy's identity and motives remain totally in the dark. Stripped of all context, Billy is a complete enigma to both the characters and the audience. And he's all the more terrifying for it.

Initially tormenting the occupants of a sorority house with bizarre, lewd phone calls, he moves on to infiltrate the house, turning it into his own private killing ground. The fact that the sorority sisters remain completely ignorant to the fact that he is hiding in the attic the entire film only adds to the tension.

Even when the cavalry arrives to save the day (in the figure of B-movie icon John Saxon), the wrong man is killed and Billy is free to return to make another phone call to the lonely girl below... 

Blank...face?, BLOOD & BLACK LACE

Making his second appearance in this post, Mario Bava shows he knows how to make a memorable antagonist with the faceless, slouch-hatted killer of this classy fashion house-set giallo.* 

The Blank is actually two killers sharing a disguise, but his modus operandi remains the same, using outrageously ghoulish methods (bladed gloves, heating grates) for disfiguring the vain, narcissistic models who constitute the film's unsympathetic protagonists. 

Ironically, in contrast to these bimbos and the straight-laced cops who fail to solve the mystery, the Blank has the most interesting personality of the entire cast. Not to mention that mask is friggin' awesome.

Stuntman Mike, DEATH PROOF

A lot of people hate this movie. They say it is slow, boring and overly talky. These are valid criticisms,  but whether you like the film or not, there is no missing the fact that Tarantino has, once again, demonstrated his special knack for creating memorable antagonists. Stuntman Mike McCabe is rather unique for the villain of a slasher film.

He's got dialogue. He has better hair than the leading lady (or ladies). He cries like a little girl when he's hurt. And he's played by Kurt Russell. And unlike the others on this list, I dare say you'll shed a tear for the old bastard when he gets his ass blitzed at the climax.

*giallo refers to a sub-genre of Italian thrillers from the 60s and 70s which featured beautiful women, black gloved killers and overly complex mystery plots

RETROGRADE REVIEWS Presents...

Sir Tim the Unsteady presents...                                               

ROGUES GALLERY

An appreciation of honorable and 

humane leadership

Originally elected: 20-3-2011

SCAR

"Life's not fair, is it? You see, I... well, I shall never be king. And you... shall never see the light of another day. Adieu. "

Voiced by the co-owner of the Greatest English Accent of All Time* Jeremy Irons, Scar is the velvet-toned despot behind the death of his brother, and the exile of his nephew. 

This is one stone cold mutha. He is willing to sacrifice anyone to achieve his goals, and even at the end, he is willing to betray his closest allies to save his own neck. it is safe to say that no tears were shed when he fell off that cliff.

THULSA DOOM

"Now they will know why they are afraid of the dark. Now they learn why they fear the night..."

James Earl Jones is already famous for voicing one of the most iconic villains of all time. 

Less well known, but equally memorable, is his performance as the villain of 1982's gloriously depraved CONAN THE BARBARIAN.

Not only does he have a cult of thousands at his command (including a harem the size of which Hugh Hefner would find excessive), he lives at the top of a mountain. Now that's tops. 

Okay you can stop groaning. The truth is, Jones owns this movie. Even though the hero is played by the future Terminator, Thulsa Doom regards his adversary with the bored gaze of a veteran prize fighter. He can smoke Conan seven different ways to Sunday, and proves it with an applaudable lack of scruples by killing his parents, killing his lover and crucifying the Cimmerian hardass to the well named Tree of Woe. 

JAFAR

"Strange how an unpleasant child can make a decent dog!" 

Chiefly known as the inspiration behind the antagonist of Disney's ALADDIN, this evil sorcerer outpoints his animated offspring for sheer deviousness and oily charm, not to mention some of the juiciest one liners in all of Arabia.

Played with forked tongue in cheek by the late, great Conrad Veidt (CASABLANCA), Jafar is the embodiment of pure malevolence from the moment he first slinks on screen. With a sociopath's true dedication, he sets about confounding and dethroning his vain and impetus King Ahmed (the ridiculously Anglo Saxon John Justin).

Whether charming the pants of a childish fellow Caliph, or tenderly attempting to woo the woman he loves, Jafar is the best at whatever he sets out to do (okay so I may have fibbed about the last bit since there is a bit of mind control involved there), easily upstaging the rest of the cast.

And to top it all off, he goes out like a champ, shot through the head with an arrow and plummeting to his death while escaping on a flying mechanical horse. What a guy! 

*shared with Liam Neeson and James Mason

RETROGRADE REVIEWS Presents...

THE BOXING DAY SPECIAL: Highlander edition [2010]

And so comes the end of the year, and the end of another batch of my incessant drivel. 

Here I present my stream-of-conscious, highly subjective review of one of my favorite cinematic villains.

The Kurgan, HIGHLANDER (1986)

"The Prize is MINE!"

I first saw HIGHLANDER exactly 10 years ago today. I was a big James Bond fan and, realizing this, my dad gave me this film for Christmas, with the inducement that Sean Connery was in it.

This was the first time I'd even heard of DVD so that made it a little more special. Of course being 12, I really didn't give a crap about what format it was in - all that was running through my brain was this important equation:

Sean Connery + swords = AWESOME.

And it was pretty good. It didn't make much sense, but it sure looked nice - all leering low angles, wide frames and old men doing backflips. In the rain.

And then Sean Connery turned up. Ah bliss. I was all set for a buddy movie in the style of the great LAST CRUSADE (1989).   

And then the Kurgan turned up.

Now anyone who's seen this movie knows the Kurgan pops up long before Sir Sean, but I wasn't really paying attention at first. I just sort of filed him into the role of villain (He's big, he's wearing black and his sword is bigger than the hero's) and moved on. I was more interested in the Scots-accented Egyptian with the Spanish name and the Japanese sword.

But the Kurgan killed my reason for watching this movie. Cut off his head. I rewound just to check. Yep. There it goes. Bugga...

From then on, all bets were off. 

The Kurgan continued hacking and bellowing his way through the movie, while I waited in hope that Connery would turn up and run him over with his Aston Martin. I was completely oblivious to the fact that this guy was totally friggin' awesome.

The moment I was totally convinced the Kurgan was in fact totally friggin' awesome came, fittingly, during the famous confrontation in the Cathedral. After eyeing up some nuns and loudly recounting some of his bloody escapades (including Connery's demise, the ass), he licks the priest's hands in mock homage and utters a line so famous it was later used by Kurt Cobain (sort of):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bOKsOveYD0

Taking a cue from our subject, I'll cut to the chase.

The simple fact is, the Kurgan is the best thing in this movie, and that's thanks to a glorious blitzkrieg of a performance by the great Clancy Brown.

That low, guttural voice, those big black eyes, those horrendous staples in his neck, even the heavy metal sturm-und-drang of his Queen-penned theme tune (feel free to rock out at the link below*) - everything about this guy screams "I AM A BADASS. GIVE ME MY FREE PASS TO RAPE, PILLAGE AND OBLITERATE ALL BEFORE ME!"

He's so ridiculously evil everyone else in this movie appears lifeless, and, in the case of the ex-007, boring. When he's not onscreen you want him to come smashing into the scene and start slicing and dicing these moping sods. When he's onscreen, you're wondering why he's messing around with little Christopher Lambert (whoever had the thought of hiring a Frenchman to play a Scot was a friggin' genius**) and not off conquering the universe, carving some massive intergalactic realm of helpless galaxies with the aid of his massive broadsword and awe-inspiring laugh.

Yes, the laugh. The Kurgan's laugh is the feather in his cap the cherry on his mountain of awesome.*** I haven't documented this, but I'm pretty sure Clancy Brown has the best evil laugh in the history of cinema. Maybe everything. There is nothing like a good, hearty chuckle to cement your villainous credentials 

Even though the Kurgan ultimately falls victim to the dictates of genre-I mean, Lambert's blade, he still ends the movie on a high, giving the audience one final planet crushing smirk.

Though Lambert may ultimately win the 'prize' (no, I still have no idea what it is), the Kurgan wins the greater glory - an endless supply of Youtube-assisted resurrections and repetitions.

And that's it. I'm off to frolic with wood nymphs and pixies! 

In the meantime, don't grow despondent. If you don't find better ways to waste time, I'll be back with a new batch of stuff.****

In the spirit of the season, but with no regard for what season it actually is, I'll leave the final salutation to the character we celebrate today:

"Happy Halloween ladies!" 

*http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2TbsLV2yklw

**optional sarcastic tone  

*** I need a thesaurus 

****I REALLY need a thesaurus