GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra (Stephen Sommers, 2009)

Following an encounter with hi-tech terrorists, soldiers Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) are rescued by a secret organisation known as G.I. Joe.

Made up of recruits from around the world, G.I. Joe are dedicated to fighting global threats. Determined to get vengeance on the group that killed their comrades, Duke and Ripcord throw their lot in with the Joes to fight their unknown enemy.

Jesus Christ, I need someone else to pick my reviews. 

I have no attachment to G.I. Joe. I never had the toys, I never watched the show and I have only heard of the comic books. For some reason I watched this movie when it came out, and for some reason I did not hate it.

After ten years away, this movie is even worse. The filmmakers are WAY too enamoured of CGI, and while I credit Stephen Sommers for having comprehensible action sequences, I did not care about anyone in them.

This movie was one of the big casualties of the 2007-08 Writers Strike. They should have shut down and given the movie a re-write, because there are so many scenes in between the set pieces where it feels like the actors are trying to work with notes on post-its: the initial flirtation between Ripcord and Scarlett (Rachel Nichols) is a standout example, as she talks about how inconvenient emotions are. The dialogue is just subtext made text, and it is not helped by the actors' lack of chemistry. 

While I did not expect great character development, the big thing that the movie lacks is the spark from Sommers' previous movies. Sommers is not a great filmmaker - his characters are stereotypes, his plots ridiculous and there is too much bad comedy. But watching G.I. Joe,  I was yearning for all these things. When Kevin J O'Connor pops up as Dr Mindbender it was like finding an oasis in the desert. And I do not even like O'Connor that much.

The one breath of fresh air in the movie is Marlon Wayans as Ripcord. He has all the jokes, but he knows how to sell them. The character is a pile of garbage, but Wayans manages to bring something the rest of the movie needed more of: personality.

Even with all its failings, this movie could have at least be entertaining if it had more imagination and sheer weirdness. But the movie is so pre-programmed as a franchise-starter, and the look is so clean, it just comes off as a show reel.

Going back to the CGI, the movie is so weightless it drove home why I enjoyed Condorman and the old Bond movies so much. Technically they might be a bit ropey, but they were made with tangible elements. That is really Michael Crawford driving a truck that turns into a car; that is really 25 divers swimming clumsily toward each other in Thunderball.

GI Joe is completely weightless by comparison. Watching the underwater battle at the climax felt like I was sitting in on someone else playing a video game.

The only thing I remember really liking in the movie was the final twist, which should be obvious if you have watched the sequel, and will not mean anything if you have not: During the chaos of the finale, face-changing assassin Zartan (Arnold Vosloo) swaps places with the US president (Jonathan Pryce). 

It is not much, but it offers a promise of a far more entertaining movie. While it was made by a completely different creative team, I was excited to learn that the 2013 sequel Retaliation would pick up this plot line and run with it.

Check back in tomorrow to see if it led to a better movie...

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