Friday, 19 February 2016

Fair Game: Maritime law with explosions

I watched this movie when I was a kid and promptly forgot about it. A year ago, I discovered the podcast How Did This Get Made? which discusses bad movies. After listening their episode on Fair Game, I was curious to re-visit it.

I did. And it sucked.

This movie is the acting debut of Cindy Crawford. She plays a lawyer who wants a boat as part of a divorce settlement. The ex-KGB guys using the boat as their base don't like this and try to kill her. The only man who can stand in their way is William Baldwin.

One of the Baldwin brothers, Billy is not a good actor. But he is frickin' Olivier compared with the dead tree stump he's acting opposite.

Cindy Crawford cannot act. Her delivery is so flat it just sucks all the energy out of the room. The scene where she tries to be 'sexy' to get information out of a computer nerd is one of the most uncomfortable things I've ever seen.

This clip is all cut up to hell, but you get the general idea. I mean, 'sexy' is the only reason she's in this movie, and she can't even do that. If it is not obvious, her chemistry with Baldwin is zero. There is a pot plant sitting on the table in front of me as I write this. We have more chemistry than Crawford and Baldwin do in this movie.

There's a super-90s sex scene that happens midway through this movie (lots of shots of hands and disgusting wet mouths gnawing each other). It's gross, and most of the reasons why I became a Trappist monk. I ship out next week. I never want to see another supermodel ever again (I'll probably go back on that in three days).

Salma Hayek turns up as Baldwin's ex-girlfriend. She plays a hot headed Latina. She displays a range of emotions, from barely repressed rage to homicidal rage. Those hot blooded Latinas!

Steven Berkoff turns up as the bad guy. If you've seen one Berkoff performance, you've seen them all.

Christopher McDonald, he of Terminal Velocity and Happy Gilmore fame, turns up as Baldwin's boss -- he's basically Shooter McGavin in suspenders.

Ugh, writing this review is almost as draining as the movie. What else can I talk about?

This movie feels about a decade out of date. For a supposed techno-thriller, the way that people interact with technology is baffling. There's a point where Baldwin doesn't understand how a fax machine works.

The action in this movie is so poorly done it comes off as parody -- the bit where Crawford's house blows up and she flies out into the canal is hilarious. You have to see it to believe it.

Is there anything good in it? I really liked the music over the main titles -- cheesy 'sexy' synths in that late 80s/early 90s way.

In summation: The movie is really bad -- hilariously so. If you are going to see it, make sure it is with a group of open-minded friends with a lot of beer.

This movie is based on the same book that inspired Stallone's Cobra. If you have the time, read the book, watch both movies and write a more in-depth review than this one.

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